The most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and to not give in to peer pressure to try to be something that you're not.

Be kind to one another. Bye, bye.

No, we can't be friends. You're my mom. You're what i talk to my friends about.

I don't know who had the bright idea of teaching pneumonia how to walk, but I'd like to find that dunderhead before he decides he wants to teach it how to drive.

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

The legend goes that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I was thinking... that must be hard to put all the tiny seatbelts on all the snakes.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.