Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

Portia and I have been married for 4 years and they have been the happiest of my life. And in those 4 years, I don't think we hurt anyone else's marriage. I asked all of my neighbors and they say they're fine

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.

I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God. They don't harbour resentment.

We use only 10% of our brains... Imagine how smart we would be if we used the other 60%!

I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person.