The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.

I care passionately about equal rights [and] animal rights.

Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.

You know how you always expect someone to think the same as you and then your like, really shocked when they don't? Like when it's a cold day and you turn to the person next to you and say, 'Its so cold, aren't you cold?' and then they say 'no.' It's kinda like, 'what, are you a communist?'

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.

I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired.

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.