I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have...One pair that see through closed doors. Another in the back of her head...and, of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.