Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.