I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.