I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.