Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.