Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.