Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

She's as funny as a toothache

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.