If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.
It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.