Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.