Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.