Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.

It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.

When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.