Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.