Wit goes for the jugular, not the jocular, and it's the opposite of football; instead of building character, it tears it down.

Americans worship creativity the way they worship physical beauty - as a way of enjoying elitism without guilt: God did it.

There's something unrefined about a reading woman, they always reek of the lamp. How can she grow up to be a lady if she's always got her nose in a book? Granny Rudin

He travels fastest who travels alone, and that goes double for she. Real feminism is spinsterhood.

Showing up at school already able to read is like showing up at the undertaker's already embalmed: people start worrying about being put out of their jobs.

Let's bring back grandmothers! A real family consists of three generations. It's time Americans stopped worrying about interference and being a burden on the children and regrouped under one roof.

The copyeditor I drew was a brachycephalic, web-footed cretin who should have been in an institution learning how to make brooms.