How do you know if your child is a writer? Your obstetrician holds his stethoscope to your abdomen and only hears excuses.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

No one earns $100 million. You steal $100 million.

Being poor is like being a child. Being rich is like being an adult: you get to do whatever you want. Everyone is nice when they have to be; rich people are nice when they feel like it.

Raisins are a thing that lasts, they come in small boxes, and you always feel like eating raisins, even at six in the morning. A raisin is always an appropriate snack.

Tolerance is really a better thing than understanding. Because it doesn't agitate against human nature.

The Word Lady: Most Often Used to Describe Someone You Wouldn't Want to Talk to for Even Five Minutes.