Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one.

One of the biggest changes in my lifetime, is the phenomenon of men wearing shorts. Men never wore shorts when I was young. This is one of the worst changes, by far. It's disgusting. To have to sit next to grown men on the subway in the summer, and they're wearing shorts? They look ridiculous, like children, and I can't take them seriously. My fashion advice, particularly to men wearing shorts: Ask yourself, 'Could I make a living modeling these shorts?' If the answer is no, then change your clothes. Put on a pair of pants.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

A great many people in Los Angeles are on special diets that restrict their intake of synthetic foods. The reason for this appears to be a widely held belief that organically grown fruits and vegetables make the cocaine work faster.

Without these tourists, New York would be fantastic. I don't want them to come. Stay home!

Instead of writing it wrong six times and then writing it right, I think it wrong six times and then write it right the seventh time.

For the movie review columns, I always knew exactly what I was going to write about - the movies.