I walk a lot in New York, not for the exercise but to get from place to place, and because it's the way of having the least contact with human beings.

Never allow your child to call you by your first name. He hasn't known you long enough.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Smoking is, if not my life, then at least my hobby. I love to smoke. Smoking is fun. Smoking is cool. Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

I drank my lifetime supply of alcohol and I took my lifetime supply of drugs between the ages of 15 and 19.

Being poor is like being a child. Being rich is like being an adult: you get to do whatever you want. Everyone is nice when they have to be; rich people are nice when they feel like it.