If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

[On parenthood:] You can't change your mind--you know, and say, this isn't working out, let's sell.

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian.

Now people need special costumes to ride bicycles. I mean, a helmet, what, are you an astronaut??

Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

I have a double policy, which would also solve immigration: I would stand at the border of New York City and I would say, "You can come here to live, but you can't come here to visit."