Contrary to what many of you may imagine, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks - chief among them the unpleasant fact that one is frequently called upon to sit down and write.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Marriage entitles women to the protection of a strong man who will steady the stepladder while they paint the kitchen ceiling.

What starts love is your ability to stupefy and blind yourself to the point of being able to fall in love. What stops it is waking up.

Your grandparents did not endure the indignities of a steerage journey to Ellis Island so that you could stand outside a discothèque and beg a wallpaper designer to take you in with him.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

The good thing about being in someone else's apartment is it's so much easier to leave than it is to get someone out.