Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?' Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe.

Am I a boy or a lady, I don't know which?

My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can.

Science is moving closer to weaponry, and Art is moving closer to commercialism. And never the twain shall meet.

I think it's really tragic when people get serious about stuff. It's such an absurdity to take anything really seriously ... I make an honest attempt not to take anything seriously: I worked that attitude out about the time I was eighteen, I mean, what does it all mean when you get right down to it, what's the story here? Being alive is so weird.

Believe it or not, there are places in the world where music is important. There are places in the world where all the arts are a matter of national pride.