I see a lot of nice hotels, but I never really get to enjoy the cities, because I have to be on a plane the next day.

Now people are coming up to meet me at my shows and they're doing my bits! One guy earlier was at 7-11 and he comes up to me and goes "you want a falcon?".

Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.

I get a lot of influence from pro wrestling. People are like, 'Oh, it's fake.' But it's not about whether the guy wins or loses, it's about how he entertains you the whole time you're watching.

I love Australia. First of all, everyone is so nice. The people are down to Earth, and they like having fun with you.

Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up... First thing you're going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle they sell beer.

By the end of the semester [in the high school] I was the only one up in front of the class everyday. Actually I could have passed the class four times over because every time you got in front of the class you got extra credit.That was the only class I got an A in and it was the funniest report card because it read Speech - A but everything else was just D, D, D, D.