I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

Now I understand why people do drugs, why people drink, and why people go crazy. As the success level goes up and up and up, the further detached I get from everybody else. Luckily, with my girlfriend, everything is gravy because I brought her into it. I brought her in and she's very hands on with my career.

Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

The first time I got on stage I was 10 years old and I did impressions. I did cartoon characters and I really got the bug for this life when I saw that people were laughing and saw the attention I was getting.

Anything is possible as long as you're focused, determined and you really want to do it.

You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!