I'm never home. I miss birthdays. I miss holidays. I miss anniversaries. I miss special moments. I'm not always there for important times, because I'm out on the road trying to make people laugh. I give up my privacy. I give up the ability to walk somewhere and relax.

I try not to get political, I don't want to get religious, I don't want to get controversial, I just want to have a show that relates to everybody.

We can choose our family. We can't choose our relatives.

The first time I got on stage I was 10 years old and I did impressions. I did cartoon characters and I really got the bug for this life when I saw that people were laughing and saw the attention I was getting.

You can't be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.

I'm not fat. I'm fluffy!

I'm always ready for TV. I don't have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.