People can relate to someone who isn't perfect.

I see a lot of nice hotels, but I never really get to enjoy the cities, because I have to be on a plane the next day.

Well, like I said, there's no reason everyone can't have a piece of the pie, even if there's a gordo there eating most of it.

I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.

If I'm drinking I can either be the nicest guy ever or I'm the guy you should leave alone.

And I don't want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don't get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that's still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.