Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.

Kids, man, they're way too honest. They're like mini-alcoholics.

I don't wanna just be remembered for the funniest guy in my neighborhood.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

I have very nice cars. I never get to drive them, because I'm never home.

Anyone who's seen my specials knows I don't put out the same stuff twice.

I still come out to music that's in Spanish. There's no denying who I am, but I've just made it to where my performance is so anybody can understand it - whether you're 10 years old or 80 years old.