I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.

I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

I'm not on a diet. And it's funny cause people go 'Well, then why do you drink diet soda?' So I can eat regular cake.

If I speak Spanish in my show, which sometimes I do, I translate what I say. I make it where I can still be myself, but I make it to where everybody knows what the hell is going on and when everyone leaves, they're like "OK, I get it."

The girl voice is always going to kill because they don't expect it.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.