A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke.

When in doubt, look intelligent.

We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?

To choose Norm Coleman over Walter Mondale is like going to a great steakhouse and ordering the tuna sandwich.

If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster.

Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.