Honesty is a rare commodity in a palace, and that is why so many fairy-tale marriages end up on the rocks.

Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is a big waste of fuel, so stop already.

Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Wal-Mart is going in and slaughtering [small towns] just as we once killed the buffalo.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

Some people think it is difficult to be a Christian and to laugh, but I think it's the other way around. God writes a lot of comedy, its just that he has so many bad actors.