I think that you are only obliged to be a humorist from the age of 18 until you turn 30. Past the age of 30 I don't think there is any obligation to be clever at all.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

I write for a radio show that, no matter what, will go on the air Saturday at five o'clock central time. You learn to write toward that deadline, to let the adrenaline pick you up on Friday morning and carry you through, to cook up a monologue about Lake Wobegon and get to the theater on time.

Marriage, friends, is a lifelong feast; love is no light lunch.

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.

A compassionate conservative is someone who electrocutes juveniles but lets them have a last 'make a wish'.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.