The audience is invisible and that's good. Somewhere my voice is drifting through a swine barn and the sound of it seems to perk up the sows' appetite. Or a lady is listening on headphones as she jogs along a beach, running to my cadence. Or a dog sits in front of the radio, head cocked, and the sibilants excite him in some mysterious way. A dog's humorist, that's me.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

My generation was secretive, brooding, ambitious, show-offy, and this generation is congenial. Totally. I imagine them walking around with GPS chips that notify them when a friend is in the vicinity, and their GPSes guide them to each other in clipped electronic lady voices and they sit down side by side in a coffee shop and text-message each other while checking their e-mail and hopping and skipping around Facebook to see who has posted pictures of their weekend.

That's why God created marriage, so people wouldn't have to fight with strangers.

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.