March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.

Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.

I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme.

The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons. ... Republicans: The No. 1 reason the rest of the world thinks we're deaf, dumb, and dangerous.

Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.

Sometimes you have to avoid mentioning things because people's feelings are tender.

When you're in your 20s, your 30s, even, you have - at least, I had - vast ambitions, and you sit around mooning about these things, and you're depressed, because you haven't done them. And it takes you a long time to come to the realization that if you can't be John Updike, well, then, you can't.