As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.

Bad things don't happen to writers; it's all material.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.