This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

I write on a laptop, so it's impossible to count drafts anymore.

Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.

No matter what time of year I come here, people always say the same thing: Its not usually like this.

Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.