This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

Take care of your friends. Because there will come a time when you'll be no good to anyone, and the only reason for people to talk to you will be sheer habit.

Roy Blount's stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

We English majors...need to promote public libraries as a tool in the war against terror. How many readers of Edith Wharton have engaged in terroristic acts? I challenge you to name one...Do we need to wait until our cities lie in smoking ruins before we wake up to the fact that a first-class public library is a vital link in national defense?

One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

Second violins can play a concerto perfectly if they're in their own home and nobody's there.