TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less about the world than if you drank gin out of a bottle

We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.

Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.

People in cars cause accidents and accidents in cars cause people.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons. ... Republicans: The No. 1 reason the rest of the world thinks we're deaf, dumb, and dangerous.

Bad things don't happen to writers; it's all material.