As for family values, they are whatever they are - some families are tight, others are blown away like dandelion puffs. A main value in Minnesota is still: don't waste my time, don't B.S. me, I wasn't born yesterday.

This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

When you're in your 20s, your 30s, even, you have - at least, I had - vast ambitions, and you sit around mooning about these things, and you're depressed, because you haven't done them. And it takes you a long time to come to the realization that if you can't be John Updike, well, then, you can't.

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

When you come to expect humor of people, you will never get it.

All solutions are temporary, so why not go for duct tape?