Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!

Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.

People meet writers and are bowled over when the writer is friendly to them and invites them to his house for a glass of wine or to shoot up heroin or whatever they do, and they talk their heads off, and a year later it comes out in a book, and there follow years of bitter and fruitless litigation, and that is why you should always keep a writer at arm's length.

I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself.