Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon

A boy wrote me once to say that he loved it when the news from Lake Wobegon came on the radio because it meant that his parents stopped arguing. That was an eye-opener for me. You work hard to polish your act and then you find out that it does people good in ways you couldn't predict.

I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself.

A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

I don't associate work with feelings of satisfaction. Rather, guilt, frustration, and resentment of people who write better than I do.

Secret of life is to go through something harrowing that doesnt kill you...and to love one woman for the rest of your life.