English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.

When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

We live a pleasant life shopping at the Food Shoppe . . . taking the kids to the Weinery-Beanery, . . . and eating bran flakes . .. and then, with no warning, we wake up one morning stricken with middle age, full of loneliness, dumb, in pain. Our work is useless, our vocation is lost, and nobody cares about us at all. This is not bearable. In despair, we go do something spectacularly dumb, like run away with Amber the cocktail waitress, and suddenly all the women in our life look at us with unmitigated disgust.

This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

I'm a lucky guy. I get to sit around every day and indulge in make believe and get paid for it.

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.