English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.

You don't have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.

Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our house, and He had me all sketched out down to what size my feet would be (big), which bike I would ride (Schwinn), and the five ears of corn I'd eat for supper that night.

Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

One day Donald Trump will discover that he is owned by Lutheran Brotherhood and must re negotiate his debt load with a committee of silent Norwegians who dont understand why anyone would pay more than $120.00 for a suit.