...opening up a newspaper is the key to looking classy and smart. Never mind the bronze-plated stuff about the role of the press in a democracy - a newspaper, kiddo, is about Style.

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.

No matter what time of year I come here, people always say the same thing: Its not usually like this.

Roy Blount's stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door

A married guy is responsible for everything, no matter what. Women, thanks to their having been oppressed all these years, are blameless, free as birds, and all the dirt they do is the result of premenstrual syndrome or postmenstrual stress or menopause or emotional disempowerment by their fathers or low expectations by their teachers or latent unspoken sexual harassment in the workplace, or some other airy excuse. The guy alone is responsible for every day of marriage that is less than marvelous and meaningful.

Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.

No innocent man buys a gun, and no happy man writes his memoirs.