I think that if writers are tempted to do other things, they ought to go do other things. They should not write if they don't feel like it. I say this as a competitor. I am not interested in encouraging people who are in competition with me.

Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.

Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn't love

I'm a lucky guy. I get to sit around every day and indulge in make believe and get paid for it.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

The audience is invisible and that's good. Somewhere my voice is drifting through a swine barn and the sound of it seems to perk up the sows' appetite. Or a lady is listening on headphones as she jogs along a beach, running to my cadence. Or a dog sits in front of the radio, head cocked, and the sibilants excite him in some mysterious way. A dog's humorist, that's me.