Take care of your friends. Because there will come a time when you'll be no good to anyone, and the only reason for people to talk to you will be sheer habit.

Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.

I don't associate work with feelings of satisfaction. Rather, guilt, frustration, and resentment of people who write better than I do.

He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either.

I think that you are only obliged to be a humorist from the age of 18 until you turn 30. Past the age of 30 I don't think there is any obligation to be clever at all.

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.