Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.

We carry adolescence around in our bodies all our lives. We get through the Car Crash Age alive and cruise through our early twenties as cool dudes, wily, dashing, winsome . . . shooting baskets, the breeze, the moon, and then we try to become caring men, good husbands, great fathers, good citizens.

No innocent man buys a gun, and no happy man writes his memoirs.

I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?

When you're old you feast on your memories, and if you spend too much time on exercise, you may get old and not have many.