Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.

People in cars cause accidents and accidents in cars cause people.

You don't have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.

We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.

This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.

It's important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of.