Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.

Roy Blount's stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door

I am a cheerful man, even in the dark, and it's all thanks to a good Lutheran mother. . . . Mother was well composed, a true Lutheran, and taught me to Cheer up, Make yourself useful, Mind your manners, and above all, Don't feel sorry for yourself.

I'm of an age when if I started to do eulogies, I'd be doing nothing else. You don't want to be remembered? I don't want them to be told to remember me.

Those people on daytime TV talking about how their parents never gave them the positive feedback they needed and that's why they shot them- those are not Minnesotans.

Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.

It's confidence; it has to be something good about getting old. One of the things is that you just don't stress about some stuff that made you so worried.