I was afraid you had deceased,' he said. 'Or gotten engrossed in a long book.

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

When you come to expect humor of people, you will never get it.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.

We have nearly complete misunderstanding between people of different faiths in Lake Wobegon, and that's probably one reason why we get along so very well. It's when you are trying to convince another person to think the same way that you do that there is friction and trouble between people. But when you feel that the other person is dumber than dirt, too dumb for words - why waste your breath - you get along pretty well. There's no bond between people that's quite so strong as when people each feel slightly superior towards the other one.

We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?