I was afraid you had deceased,' he said. 'Or gotten engrossed in a long book.

Bad things don't happen to writers; it's all material.

Majestic doesn't appeal to us. We [Americans] like the Grand Canyon better with Clarence and Arlene parked in front of it, smiling.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

You'd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the news.

Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.

The audience is invisible and that's good. Somewhere my voice is drifting through a swine barn and the sound of it seems to perk up the sows' appetite. Or a lady is listening on headphones as she jogs along a beach, running to my cadence. Or a dog sits in front of the radio, head cocked, and the sibilants excite him in some mysterious way. A dog's humorist, that's me.