No matter what time of year I come here, people always say the same thing: Its not usually like this.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

You've got work to do. Don't put this off. And don't take the long view, here. You know? Life is today and tomorrow and - and if you're lucky, next week.

Boys, the first drink is a boon, the second is a gamble, the third is poor judgment, and then the rate of descent gets steep

When you're old you feast on your memories, and if you spend too much time on exercise, you may get old and not have many.

Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.

Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.