No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.