For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

Without my family, I'd be something.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it's like he's spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.