If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.