If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.

There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you're talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they're supposed to prevent, that's like the hackiest joke out there now. If you're still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.

Without my family, I'd be something.