The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.