The other thing is that I'm a pretty moody guy, but no one really wants to see a normal-looking guy complain about things or talk about being unhappy. That's hard. Most people are like, 'Well, you have all your hair and you're tall, so why are you unhappy?' That can be limiting.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.