It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you're going? I don't even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard... Some people slow down at those things... I don't slow down. I speed up and set the high score.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.