It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.