It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.