Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it's like he's spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.