What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead.

What right has any human being to talk of bringing up a child? You do not bring up a tree or a plant. It brings itself up. You have to give it a fair chance by tilling the soil.

Only on paper has humanity yet achieved glory, beauty, truth, knowledge, virtue, and abiding love.

Unless comedy touches me as well as amuses me, it leaves me with a sense of having wasted my evening. I go to the theatre to be moved to laughter, not to be tickled or bustled into it.

You propound a complicated arithmetical problem: say cubing a number containing four digits. Give me a slate and half an hour's time, and I can produce a wrong answer.

Englishmen hate Liberty and Equality too much to understand them. But every Englishman loves a pedigree.

The best bought-up children are those who have seen thier parents as they are. Hypocrisy is not the first duty of a parent.